Ask the hard questions first

Yesterday I went out with a friend in order to fool around and have a few drinks. We ended up in the borough where most theatres are located in Paris. Both of us are a bit crazy about bitcoin, old school values kinda guys. And we’re both single. It’s was a rich neighborhood, where the culture kind of people go. That’s for the settings part.

After a few drinks, an American woman from New Jersey comes up at the table next to ours, with her 19 years old daughter who’s studying in Barcelona. Of course we’re two french guys getting hammered, so we’re loud, we laugh a lot, say stupid shit. If we don’t embody our own clichés, who will ?

We’re entertaining them and it’s cool. The mother married her high school sweet-heart, she has 3 kids with him, happy in marriage. She pays $100 000 per year, per kid, for tuition. So we talk about the student debt crisis that’s gonna blow up, how fucked up it is to pay this amount of money for an education. It’s cool.

Now we’re getting all warmed up and shit, we pay for drinks, share our food, 19 y.o chick asks for a cigarette, said she already smoked in front of her mom when she was in Spain. Mother loosens up too, smokes one herself. She’s open minded on things : of course her girl’s drinking while abroad, fucking guys and shit. And she’s okay with it.

And the daughter is grateful for this. She knows that she can have her fun, and that after she’ll come back home in the states and marry a nice guy so she can live close to her family. It’s all normal, not the “you go girl and do crazy shit”, but not the “call every night and don’t go near boys” neither. It’s balanced. Danna, if you ever read this shit, you’re a cool mom don’t change a thing.

We end up talking openly about deep / controversial shit, but in a respectful, open minded way. We tell them about that guy Griveaux who was running for mayor of Paris but had to quit the race cause he got tricked into sending dick vids to a random chick that played him. BTW she was like the actual girlfriend of a political opponent of some sort. Yeah this is french politics at its finest.

Just so you picture the scene, we’re 2 drunk guys in their 30s talking about dick vids with an American woman and her 19 years old daughter. We’re downing beers and ordering glasses of wine, it’s 11pm and we’re snacking on a cheese platter. It’s fun, unusual, and we’re having a laugh.

Before coming there, I was telling my friend that I was now at a time in my life where I had decided that I wouldn’t have sex with girls that I knew I couldn’t date. Doesn’t mean that I can’t bring a girl home on the first night if it matches, but if I don’t want to wake up next to you the next day, I’m not fucking with you .

But it goes further, because there are implications with this decision. It means that I need to know if the girl I’m meeting with has things to say that actually interest me. And there’s no fucking way I’m dating a girl who wants to talk about movies. That shit just does not interest me. So anyways, you had the setting, now you have the context.

So a bit later 2 chicks in their 30’s exit the theatre next to the bar and come sit at the other table next to us. We’re now surrounded by 4 girls, we’re the center of attention, but the 2 that just joined are our age, live here, and are therefore much more date-able. So we keep the show running.

I have this theory that there are a few fundamental things that can make a relationship work or not, and that those things are never discussed by the people who start dating. Which seems pretty fucking stupid to me in the sense that you can like the other person on some aspects, but if those inner values aren’t shared, the relationship is gonna be headed to a dead-end.

People don’t ask those questions because they’re personal, deep, and frankly hard to ask. So we tried doing the exact opposite. We asked all the questions that you shouldn’t ask. Here’s a list of the things we asked them, roughly in the chronological order in which they were asked :

  • Is it Tinder that you’re showing to your friend on your phone ? (It was). Why do you use that ? (Cause she’s hooked on the adrenaline of random guys wanting to date her.) Can’t you meet guys in real life ? (No one has the balls to hit on women in real life)
  • What do you think of the crackheads that live in tents in the north of Paris, what should be done about them ? (She “feels” for them and wants to help everybody. Of course I cringed but she meant well.)
  • Are you a leftist ? (Obviously) What do you do as a job ? (She works in the marketing/communication department of a random company)
  • You’re 33, don’t you want kids ? (“I don’t know, I want them to come from love, not just have kids for the sake of having kids”. At least you believe in love)
  • How many sex partners have you had in your life ? (4 until 2019, then 11 more after a though breakup, so a total of 15).

Her friend couldn’t fucking believe what she was hearing. She was like that head-blown emoji 🤯 and it was so fucking funny to watch her reactions. But the girl we were really talking to was having a great time, because it was UNUSUAL for people to actually ask her about things that are really IMPORTANT.

How do you see the world ? What do you want to do with your life ? Do you want to spend your whole life here ? Compare this with all the fucking loosers who talk to her about the latest movie. Who do you think she’ll remember ?

Now can you do this with all girls ? Of course not. Some are not fucking wired to be able to have open discussions about important subjects. The real question is : do you really want to be dating those girls ? What for ? Those questions are just exemples of things that important TO ME. You may have different questions to ask.

Maybe you care that the girl that you date is passionate about art, or that she’s very independent, or nurturing or whatever. Ask them lightly, but ask the important questions first.

EDIT 24 hours after posting this thing, funny story : left the house late this morning and actually ran into that girl. Said nothing, just laughed and smiled.

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